Tuesday, December 9, 2008

It’s my party and I’ll pontificate if I want to.

Today I turned 44, which makes me wise and venerable. Feel free to reap the benefits of my "100 Points to Ponder"...

1. Toasted sandwiches are always better.

2. Skinny may sell magazines but fleshy’ll bring you home.

3. Forty-three was a good year to finally pay attention to how my back feels.

4. We love, need, and use our cars way more than is healthy for us physically, economically and mentally.

5. My bike is cool.

6. The yummier the food is, the more likely it’ll kill you.

7. Good wine is really much better than just so-so wine.

8. Don’t underestimate the shallow self-esteem that comes with a decent set of pipes. It’s worth the effort.

9. Don’t underestimate the true benefits of decent cardiovascular health. It would be better to avoid the heart attack, methinks.

10. Toddlers are messy, tiresome and annoying. Any parent who tells you that it’s their favourite phase is really just lying and counting the days till they can send ‘em off to preschool or kindergarten.

11. Grandparents love toddlers because they have long forgotten the joys of trying to deal with a screaming 2 ½ -year-old with a messy, leaking, poopoo diaper in a public place.

12. Tattoos are sexy, when done well.

13. There really is very little worth watching on television.

14. Television, radio, and print commercials may drive our consumer society, but they are the enemy and should be avoided and subverted at every opportunity.

15. The alley is almost always more interesting than the front street.

16. The French are pretty fricking cool. Ooh la la...

17. Don’t buy the extra “customer protection package” they try to sell you at the cashier. It’s just a money grab.

18. Urban billboards steal my mindspace to fill the wallets of others.

19. Everyone masturbates. Well… everyone except for people who lack limbs or genitals, (or some combination thereof). Think about how shitty that would be.

20. If you don’t exercise you will generally get fat. If you are one of those people that is an exception to this rule: fuck you.

21. Life is too short for bad beer, cheap chocolate, or crappy coffee. We all deserve better.

22. Men love boobies. Even the gay ones started out that way…

23. Even though some vegetarian meals are delicious and nutritious, vegetarians are just plain wrong.

24. Almost any cut of meat can be rendered delicious with the proper preparation.

25. Most people don’t really know how to cook. In a side note: pizza pockets are not food.

26. Sometimes life gives you magnificent things. Sometimes life takes them away. That's life, I guess.

27. Forty-four is a good age for a guy to grow a retro-70’s porn ‘stache.

28. There is really only one proper way to chop an onion.

29. People in their early twenties would be really sexy if they weren’t so young. Maybe we could convince them not to talk?

30. When I was in my early twenties I really had something to say.

31. Otherwise lovely people can be rapidly reduced to asshole status though the use of a cell phone.

32. Otherwise lovely people can be rapidly reduced to asshole status though the use of a car.

33. If someone achieves asshole status through the combined use of a car and a cell phone, they were never lovely. You were mistaken in the first place.

34. Texting has become the great generational divide. Sure, I can do it, but why would I really want to?

35. One of life's most unpleasant and surreal sensations is the grasping of warm dog-poo through a plastic bag, but as a dog owner it is my obligation to endure it, and pray for no ruptures.

36. If you know how to make an omelet you can always have a decent meal.

37. Kids are great. Even toddlers are great so long as they belong to someone else.

38. Just because someone is a senior citizen, that does not make them nice. It also does not make them right.

39. War veterans are worthy of your respect regardless of pretty much anything they might say or do to rub you the wrong way.

40. Alcohol is great, but alcoholism is sad and destructive. I think it’s that way to keep us on our toes.

41. When drugs become the party, instead of something you enjoy at the party, the party sucks.

42. Some drugs are just plain nasty and poisonous and should never be used. Much misery is caused by them.

43. No one should go hungry in such a wealthy society as ours.

44. No one should work a full-time job and not be paid enough to feed and house themselves.

45. Welfare should include free bus passes.

46. The bus service around here should be so much better. It should also be free. Cutting the cost in half would be a good start.

47. Anyone who does not have a Vancouver address should have to pay a $5.00 toll for the privilege of driving their car into the city-limits. There should be a second $5.00 toll to enter the downtown core.

48. No one should be expected to accept being stolen from merely because someone else is in need.

49. No one really knows what someone else is going through. We all see life through our own windows.

50. If you don’t have a spare tire tube with you when you go on a bike trip sooner or later you’re going to need one.

51. Cars used to be cool. Now they are not. I don’t care how many TV ads I see telling me otherwise.

52. I own two cars. One of them is cool. It’s the same age as me.

53. Cigarettes used to be cool. Now they are not. So why do I see people in their early twenties smoking them?

54. Weed is really no big deal. Why the fuss?

55. Often it’s easier just to walk.

56. The brewing of beer is a noble pastime.

57. Gay people are people, too. Actually, they are some of the best people I know.

58. George Lucas really should just stop it.

59. You grow roots when you’re not looking.

60. Pornography is okay, really, so long as no one gets hurt.

61. Nerd may be the new cool, but the more nerds there are, the less cool we are. As an a cappella-singing comic book guy, I think I’ll be in the safe zone for a long time (likely until nerds are no longer cool).

62. No, really… How could anyone sit through the Phantom Menace and then say it was a good movie? I mean, unless they were either toddlers, or in their early twenties, or on drugs.

63. A few generations ago people used to sing together in their living rooms. The world was a better place back then.

64. Everyone enjoys a good fondle.

65. Never mind Citizen Kane. Faster Pussycat Kill Kill may be the world’s most perfect movie.

66. You might think that having dogs is a lot like having children until you’ve had both and know the difference.

67. One should not dress a dog.

68. Bernaise sauce is wonderful, especially when drizzled over bloody, rare beef. I’d like to kiss whoever invented it.

69. I’d like to kiss a lot of people, actually.

70. Nigella Lawson is “on the list”.

71. Yellow beer isn’t necessarily good beer. As a matter of fact, it often isn’t.

72. Those who ride their bikes without a helmet should be referred to as organ donors.

73. Extreme sports are stupid. Isn’t real life extreme enough without trying to find new, recreational ways to finance the funeral industry prematurely?

74. Three words: Bungie jumping? Why?!

75. Everyone should remember to register as an organ donor.

76. Sure. Clowns are scary. That’s why they are cool.

77. It’s staggering how the love of a good woman can save a guy’s life.

78. It’s a hassle to change your windshield wipers, but totally worth doing. If you pay someone to do it, you have to admit that you totally suck.

79. Very tall women are fascinating. It appears that amazons do walk among us.

80. Women are certainly smarter than men, but relative stupidity is underrated.

81. Only your grandma is allowed to overcook the roast beef and vegetables. Everyone else must be politely taught how to do it properly or encouraged to refrain from cooking for others.

82. You can’t live in Vancouver without coming to terms with the rain.

83. If you are one of those folks who only eats beef well-done, I’m afraid I can’t help you. If you visit my place for dinner I will be seating you at the kid’s table. Even then, the meat you get will be a little bit pink. Sorry.

84. On a bad day Vancouver is a culturally-bereft excuse for over-priced real estate between the mountains and the ocean. Even the bad days here are better than the best days in so many other places.

85. Re. skinny women vs. real women: If there ain’t no heft there’s nothing left.

86. Singing harmonies is a lifelong joy. There is something truly magical about nice, round, tuned-up tones or a nasty crunchy cluster.

87. I wish people still sang doo-wop.

88. It was a better world when men wore hats, but now that guys are wearing hats again I may need to re-think this. A 13-year-old with a Metrotown fedora isn’t cutting it for me, really. Would Bogey have approved?

89. As I get older I find myself slowly becoming more and more conservative. At this rate, I’ll still need to live to be 100 before I could support Stephen Harper.

90. Ouija boards freak me out because they absolutely do something.

91. I don’t believe in the Sasquatch or space aliens, but I used to and I wish that I still did.

92. Being a father is extremely fulfilling.

93. Chocolate is great because, not only is it delicious, most people will like you if you share it with them. Powerful chocolaty mojo, that.

94. When you make the right match it is a pretty good idea not to screw it up.

95. I've heard about "abs" and I’m pretty sure that I have some, but I’m also pretty sure that they are never gonna be seen though the fatty layer.

96. Men have nipples, too, you know.

97. Stage magic and ventriloquism are two extremely cool, dying, performance disciplines.

98. It’s not a good idea to confuse loud assertions with intelligent wisdom. Those who speak forcefully and in large amounts are often wrong.

99. I seem to speak forcefully and in large amounts from time to time. Oh, snap…

100. If a man can turn 44 and have friends and family read this far into a long list of personal yammerings, he is truly blessed. Perhaps entering your mid-forties is not so bad.

8 comments:

Unknown said...

I agree with several, but especially #7

Anonymous said...

Most points are well stated, and I'm in agreement. However, I have issue with the following:

#27 - does Sue know about this? I have a feeling she'd object.
#67 - what about small, cute, little ones that shiver? They NEED clothes!
#76 - no way, no how, will clowns ever be cool. I've been afraid of them since before I could walk. Ask my mom.

So there.

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure that even those without limbs manage to maturbate.

The dog poo thing? Terrible as this is to admit, it's kinda nice at about -20.

Alliecat said...

According to Aileen (when she found some 'pleasure items' I had forgotten to move out with me), ONLY men masturbate. True story, she had the angry auntie face when when said "vibrator". All of this was only 2 months ago- you'd think with Little Tim and I being in our 30s that she would have seen and learned far more by now... She didn't want to discuss it further, so can you please educate her for me on your next visit???

Thanks for reminding me of #94.

Scatterdad said...

HAH!. Oh my God, Allie. I don't know which is funnier: The thought of the look on your mom's face, or the thought of you going through life leaving a trail of dildos behind you. I mean, you didn't forget to take you toothbrush with you when you moved out, didja?.

Oh, how you torture her... I think that Aunti may have strummed the hair banjo at least once. I remember her from the bellbottom days. As for educating my Aunt about masterbation? Brrr. I think I'll pass.

Yeah. # 94 is one of the best. If it were a prioritized list I'd have put it in the top 5.

Axel said...

a couple years later and i still love this list.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

When you stroll past her, run your hand across her back.
I wouldn't know where to look, it's very 'insider' stuff.
The urges have been boiling up in you for quite some time, and at work you can't help but stare at your co-workers in a less than appropriate manner, one day, you decide
to act on impulse, no one would mind, and voila, all of a sudden your slapped with a sexual harassment case.


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